"what i've said, that will i bring about & what i've planned, that will i do." isaiah 46:11

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

* i want to be a better mom, in 2012!

one of my biggest fears in life isn't that i’ll get cancer, die in a car crash, or that spike will leave me, but honestly one of my biggest fears in life's that i’ll get to the end of my life & not have been a good mom - it's seriously a thought that bombards my mind & heart every day - i'm embarrassed to say that on some days, i lay down & regret being a mom that day - i regret my harsh words, i regret my evil eye, i regret the lack of attention & the selfishness of my own heart - thankfully i also have days where i lay down at night & smile about the sweet one-on-one that i had with one of the kids, the sniggle in my lap for no reason, or the encouraging words that brought a smile to a kids face
i sooooooo desire to have my kids look back & know their mom loved them & loved them deeply - i want them to know how much i desired for them to know God in an intimate way - it’s as if the biggest accomplishment in life for me would be for my kids to look back & say that they'd a great mom & say it proudly! - i've been thinking about this a lot lately & can’t seem to figure out if i’m thinking about this in a healthy way or an unhealthy way - do i dwell on this & live life in fear of being a bad mom, or do i dwell on this & it spurs me on to be the best God's made me to be? - which one? - one's positive & one's negative - i want to be spurred on to be the best mom that i can be - i want a positive butt-kickin' to happen, that makes me realize that my time with these young people's so fleeting
i've been a mom for 26 years now & although i’ll be a mom to them all forever, i've got to realize that 2 of our kids are already grown, on their own & starting families [one, is even living in another state] - thinking these thoughts makes my eyes swell up with tears & i get that funny feeling in my throat that makes me choke back the outpouring of tears - the next one coming up is almost 10, so i've just got another 8 years or so & she could be out on her own - just 8 years?? - on my, i can't even imagine only having so little time to mold them into what God wants them to be [gosh, we're still working on math facts!] - i think about how time slips by & you don’t even realize it - i know the older i get the more often i find myself saying, “gosh is it already november, where did 2011 go” & “oh my goodness, 1 week until christmas, what happened to december” - you know how it goes - time just keeps slipping by - i realize time's fleeting...all of it...every day's only lived once & every month comes & goes [most of the time, it's goes much faster than the last] - each year our kids are growing & i never get the last year back - i never get to 'redo' a year over...it's gone - it got me thinking that somehow 2012 has got to be different! - i want to look back on 2012 & see that we enjoyed it...all of us - we cherished it emensely & that in 2012, i was a great mom!
2008-2011 were hard years for the shepler's - they’ve been VERY hard - i've literally gone from strength to strength & God's been there all along & you know what, one day i'll make it to God & i'll smile & say that i made it there only by Him getting me from where i was, to Him in heaven by...'strength to strength' - 2012's the year of mom-hood for me - i want to dedicate this year to being a better mom - i want to rely on God to get me through - i want to change some of my selfish habits that have been hanging around for way to long - i want to cherish EVERY...SINGLE...DAY with my kids & not just saturdays! - i want to die to self & have Jesus carry me through the hard times...'STRENGTH TO STRENGTH' - in 2012, i'll focus on something new for each month & pray to God that i can make some of these, 'habits' & that they last longer than just 31 days - these are things that are personal to me, that i know i need to get better at & will help me be the best mom i can be...

2] smile more when talking to them, instead of always being in a hurry & rushing
3] spend more 'one on one' time with each child, each week
4] plan family nights each week, like we used to do
5] encourage them daily, speaking over them...so they can hear it!
6] read to them more often
7] pray specifically for them, for things they're going through
8] start devotions with them & memorize scripture with them each week
9] get up early every day, except on saturdays
10] do something each week as a family, for someone else & let them participate
11] serve others by 'paying it forward' & letting them participate
12] at the beginning of the month, have them write down what they'd like to see change for our family & then review that at the end of the month
i want to get to the end of my days & be able to say that i loved my God, my husband & my kids with all that was in me - that i gave it all & that i ran the race hard - this year i plan on focusing on some things that i think will help me be a better mom - what's your new years resolution? - what are you doing to be a better mom in 2012? - any hints?
this was taken from a friend, that put into words, what i've been thinking - the words she used, have been running around in my head, but like #1 says [slow down], i've been in a hurry with everything & never took the time to put it to paper - with her permission, i cut/pasted to make it more 'me', by taking some of her personal things & making them my own [thanks jamie @dreamingbigdreams!]