A WEEK AT THE GYM

this' dedicated to everyone who's ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

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dear diary, for my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me - although i'm still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it'd be a good idea to go ahead & give it a try - i called the club & made my reservations with a personal trainer named belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor & model for athletic clothing & swim wear - my daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! - the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY: started my day at 6:00am - tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when i arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me - she's something of a greek goddess, with blond hair, dancing eyes & a dazzling white smile - woo hoo! - belinda gave me a tour & showed me the machines - i enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today - very inspiring! - belinda was encouraging as i did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around - this' going to be a FANTASTIC week!

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TUESDAY: i drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door - belinda made me lie on my back & push a heavy iron bar into the air, then she put weights on it! - my legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile - belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile - i feel GREAT! it's a whole new life for me

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WEDNESDAY: the only way i can brush my teeth's by laying the toothbrush on the counter & moving my mouth back & forth over it - i believe i've a hernia in both pectorals - driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop - i parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot - belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members - her voice's a little too perky for that early in the morning & when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that's VERY annoying - my chest hurt when i got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster - why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? - belinda told me it'd help me get in shape & enjoy life - she said some other crap too
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THURSDAY: belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl - i couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes - belinda took me to work out with dumbbells - when she wasn't looking, I ran & hid in the restroom - she sent another skinny girl to find me - then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank

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FRIDAY: i hate belinda more than any human being's ever hated any other human being in the history of the world - stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader - if there was a part of my body i could move without unbearable pain, i'd beat her with it - belinda wanted me to work on my triceps - i don't even have triceps & if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich - the treadmill flung me off & I landed on a health & nutrition teacher - why couldn't it've been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY: belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why i didn't show up today - just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner, however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote & ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel

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SUNDAY: i'm having the church van pick me up for services today so i can go & thank god that this week's over - i'll also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that's fun...like a root canal or hysterectomy