- BAKED BEANS -

One day I met a sweet gentleman & fell in love. When it became apparent that we'd marry, I made the supreme sacrifice & gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband & told him that I'd be late because I'd to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner & the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I'd walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner & before I knew it, I'd consumed three large orders of baked beans! All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me & exclaimed delightedly, "'Darling I've a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me & led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat & just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned & went to answer the call. The baked beans I'd consumed were still affecting me & the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg & let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap & fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap & folded my hands back on it, feeling very relieved & pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I'd peeked through the blindfold & I assured him I'd not. At this point, he removed the blindfold & twelve dinner guests seated around our table sang Happy Birthday to me & I fainted!