- CHEMICAL IMBALANCE -

well, this was from a conversation that spike & i had last night - nothing had happened & i really don't even know what started it, but it was one of those 'good talks' - for a LONG time, i've dealt with all sorts of things (ie: anger, frustration, being hot headed, impatience, testy, etc., etc.) - i've really had to pray hard over the years for God to help me control this as i didn't want it to get out of control & spill over (if you know what i mean) - it's been a hard road & one we've tended to just keep 'to ourselves' instead of letting others in on it, but it's not always been easy... ok, sometimes it's been hard - i'm one that must have order, i want a daily schedule & i want it to come off without a hitch - i want things done on time & the way that i intended them to get done - i want everyone to be happy, things to not get too loud, everyone peaceable & everyone in good moods ALL THE TIME - when i send one of the kids to get something, i want them back to me instantly!! (ie: brittan, can you get me the phone?... if she's not back from the other room in 5 seconds i can get HOT) - like i said, i've actually done pretty good at keeping this under control, but some days............ - when this beast comes out in me, i feel horrible, like a bad mom, a horrible wife, not worthy of anything God has for me, etc. - i'm down & feel like trash - like i told him, "when i go to do something that's been planned & it doesn't come off as i'd 'planned', i'm a lunatic! - it's as if i can't be flexible!! - my head's saying, "lori, get a grip, (stay seated & pray!), it's not the end of the world - things will work work out even though it didn't come off as expected or in the timing i'd thought, etc.", but my temper's saying, "this' crazy, i've planned it THIS way & it's not working out! - this can't be happening at this time... it wasn't PLANNED!, etc." - he was talking last night & said he wondered if it could be some type of a chemical imbalance - i'm thinking about getting it looked into sometime in the near future, so will post when i hear more - please be praying for this lunatic mother of 5 that tends to live her days in a home where things aren't always 'in order', 'on schedule', doesn't always come off 'without a hitch', isn't always 'on time', or the 'way i intended them to get done', everyone isn't 'always happy', 'is sometimes loud', not always 'peaceable' & 'everyone's not ALWAYS in a good mood all the time'... oh yeah, pray for my family too! *wink*